Needs

I've let a different part of me grow, lately
for the past four years.
And I am glad. Grateful. Content.

But while I turned to the details of the composition
The social birds and butterflies,
The brickwork lain by others

I turned my back on the roses.

Or did I hack them down?
I remember burying my nose in their
Velvet folds, and clutching their proud thorns
Tightly to my chest.  Embracing them
For their loveliness, even though they'd never win garden prizes.
I was determined to never uproot them.
Rather, I sought to bind their briars to me.
Round my heart. Forever.

As I walked away, I felt the dragging
But somehow it was my own two feet
That carried me away.

At first I told myself they were fine on their own
for a while
But I caught glimpses from the world that lies
in the corner of my eye.

Now I turn to look at that part of me that was dying.
and I can't bear the sight.
I let it come in wisps and waves.
Once or twice it has come all-at-once
and I am staggered.  Left, sputtering, gasping for air
One or two or fifty sobs, and the world rights itself again.

Some remember to stop and smell the roses
Along their way.
But I live for and through and of the roses.
To go along the way
Without,
I suffocate, but for the tricks I force on my mind
And the casual breaths I manage to steal, clutching desperately
While no one's looking.

I am so stupid. To recognize myself, and know it, and love it
And let it go.
How could I let myself go.
How could I let myself go?

"I have gone out looking for myself. 
If I should return before I get back, 
please ask me to wait."

I always liked that clever writing. Anonymous.
But finding me is hard work.
So I think I'll be out for a while

At least I know where to start.
I'll follow the trail of colourful petals
Until I breathe roses once again. For always.